Koeke, terte en persepsies oor seks

Goeiemôre Almal

Ek het hierdie vanoggend raakgelees, dink dis die moeite werd om te deel.

Sex and being Afrikaans – the dangers of teaching girls ‘ordentlikheid’

By: Tillie van Niekerk
23 July 2017
There are real risks involved with shaming instead of celebrating sexuality – and the proof is in the baked goods, says Tillie van Niekerk.

For some reason we (Afrikaners) enjoy comparing women to baked goods. Calling someone a tert (tart) or a koek(prude) both deliver sexual commentary on women’s choices to engage sexually or not.

Girls are labelled a tert or a slet when they don’t behaveordentlik (proper).

Labelling a Christian Afrikaans girl as ordentlik subtly implies she is (or should be) sexually abstinent. An ordentlike Christian Afrikaans girl is not supposed to move in with her boyfriend or have sex before marriage.

I can hear the tannies gossip, “Sjoe, nee ‘n ordentlikemeisie kan mos nie dit doen nie.” (A good and proper girl won’t do that – ‘that’ meaning something ‘tarty’)

And it’s not considered ordentlik to talk about masturbation (nonetheless practice it!) or make dirty jokes.

I seriously spoke about masturbation (or the fact that I do it) for the first time when I was 21. It was to an English friend of mine, who started this conversation by telling me about her dildo.

Raised chaste

Being raised to be a ‘chaste woman’ (in any culture) can not only warp one’s perception of sexuality and sex, but it can even lead one to question one’s own sexual agency.

But here I’m simply writing from my own perspective.

When I was about 10 years old my mom called me one sunny afternoon to come and sit with her on my parents’ bed. I think it was a Saturday and the smell of fresh rusks baking in the oven hung in the air.

More baked goods, I know.

While I plopped down on the bed beside her she took out a sex education/ ‘facts of life’ type book and started reading. I think it went kind of like this: “When two people really love each other…”

A few lines in, the oven’s alarm went off. The rusks were done. And so was the extent of my parental imparted sexual education. Never again did we revisit the book.

Out of curiosity, of course, I took the book to school and showed some friends. We made our own assumptions from what we read and saw, but somehow what we were doing felt naughty.

To me and many of my friends ‘sex’ felt like a bit of a bad word.

For most parents, good Christian Afrikaans parents in my case, it’s always been difficult to talk about sex. They were also brought up in homes where sex was but something to be whispered about.

Even when I was a teenager my father still covered my eyes every time a kissing scene popped up on the TV screen. Not to mention the awkwardness that ensued whenever characters on Dharma and Greg or Will & Gracespoke about the intricacies of sex. Sho! The tension was palpable.

When ordentlikheid leads to risky behaviour

But how can proper behaviour (proper according to the laws of chasteness that is) be risky or dangerous?

For one, I was never taught about sex. As in the logistics thereof. When I put a condom on a guy for the first time I had to tap into my limited knowledge of water balloon making. I was lost.

As much as most parents aim to protect their children, not having knowledge about something like sex does not protect them. It leaves them vulnerable.

When you know nothing about sex you are more likely to be influenced – and especially by sources that aren’t necessarily trustworthy or accurate (school friends, gossip, TV, and the like).

Girls who grow up in very conservative families with values that speak to abstinence are often denied knowledge about sex and their own sexuality for fear of ‘corrupting innocent minds’.

The thinking usually goes like this: If this 16-year-old girl knew how to masturbate and could pinpoint her exact sexual pleasure centres, then…she might lose all self-control and become the biggest tart!

This is so crazy, and yet so ingrained in many people’s thinking.

Worst of all is to have so little trust in women. To me, that’s what it comes down to: an issue of trust. A lack of trust in fact. Trust that if you had said knowledge you are going to go against the church, against the family and screw anything that walks.

This distrust diminishes a woman’s ability to see her own sexual needs – mainly because she was never taught to own them.

To me, having any kind of interest in sex was never celebrated. Instead, it was questioned and shamed. This is how many of my peers feel. And never given access to proudly own or be granted access to primal sexual desires, needs and agency can be very dangerous for women.

When women are not given the knowledge to own their needs and their rights when it comes to sex (whether or not they want to engage in premarital or marital, gay, straight or whichever damn sex they choose) it can play out in various clandestine and unforseen ways.

They are likely to experience sexual relationships or encounters where they are left unsatisfied, afraid to ask for what they want in bed, or even worse – it can leave them open to being abused and coerced into doing acts they might not want to do but feel they have no power to say no to.

Trust women and girls instead of shaming them and dismissing them as baked goods under the guise of ordentlikheid.

From now on, we’re Banting.

 

http://www.w24.co.za/Love/Sex/sex-and-being-afrikaans-the-dangers-of-teaching-girls-ordentlikheid-20170721

 

Boer kry ‘n vrou

Belangrik: As jy jonger as 18 is of maklik aanstoot neem teen kras woordgebruik of onder die belt verwysings moet jy dalk liefs nie hier lees nie, my opinie en taalgebruik mag dalk aanstoot gee.

My goeie vy… Kyk né, ek glo dat as jy ‘n opinie oor ‘n boek of ‘n rolprent wil hê moet jy die hele boek gelees het of die hele rolprent gekyk het. Kennis is mag en the proof is in the pudding, of hoe?

Practice what you preach. Ek het die laaste drie dae deur ‘n boek geworstel en my tande is deur gekners. Tot op die senuwee deur. NB uitgewers het my verlei en met ‘n, uhm, stywe riem gevang met ‘n slim voorskou in hul nuusbrief, om Jan van Staden se Boer kry ‘n vrou te lees, want “Nog nooit was Afrikaanse fiksie só warm nie. Nog nooit is daar so lekker op papier gevry nie.” Nou kyk, gevry is daar, en gesteek, gestamp en gespyker is daar ook maar ek kan my nie indink hoe ‘n gerekende, gerespekteerde uitgewer soos Tafelberg Uitgewers ‘n boek van so ‘n swak gehalte kan uitgee nie?!

‘n Gevryery, lakendanse, naaktheid, stywe menere en gewillige lywe in ‘n storieboek kan ek hanteer, ek soek dit, ek hou daarvan. Laat ons eerlik wees, dis hoekom ek die boek gekoop het: vir die beloofde sekskepades daarin. Geskrewe liefdestonele of sekstonele (laat ons tog nie die twee verwar nie) was nog altyd vir my ‘n groter turn on as die visuele weergawes daarvan. Wat ek egter nie kan hanteer nie is die swak letterkundige gehalte van die boek. Die boek voel vir my soos ‘n moerse versameling wetdreams wat aanmekaar ge-, uhm, steek is met stukkies storielyn. Spelfoute, lomp sinskonstruksies… Om nie eens te praat van die dialoog nie! Die karakters klink almal dieselfde, hulle praat sulke lang sinne en hulle praat geensins soos mense van hul ouderdom nie (as jy nie geweet het die jongmense is tussen 20 en 30 nie, sou jy wraggies gedink het dis ‘n spul middeljariges en afgetredenes…)

In kort handel die storie oor ‘n jong boer wat ryk geërf het, geseën is met ‘n formidabele meneer wat bykans nooit níe op aandag staan nie en ‘n reputasie wat ‘n paar keer die lengte is van dit wat in sy broek bult. Die liefde ontwyk hom miskien maar nie die dorp en omgewing se ontroue, getroude en ongetroude vroue nie. Almal wil vir Juan toetsbestuur, almal is dan binne sekondes na die eerste orgasme lief vir hom (nie verlief nie, lief) en al die wat nog nie ‘die daad’ gedoen het nie, wil hê dat hy hul eerste moet wees. Dan besluit die perd hy gaan vir Boer soek ‘n vrou inskryf om sy lewe en liefdeslewe in orde te kry terwyl hy steeds al wat gewillig is met graagte vir ‘n joyride vat op sy pienk, uhm, geelslang. Die boek neem die leser op reis saam met Juan in sy soeke na ware liefde.

Ek weet nie veel van die skrywer nie (behalwe vir die inligting op Tafelberg Uitgewers se webtuiste en dat hy al verhale op Litnet gepubliseer het) maar ek weet wel dat om ‘n blog, of stories vir ‘n webtuiste, te skryf en om ‘n boek te skryf twee heeltemal verskillende koppies tee is. Kon die uitgewers hom nie bietjie meer leiding gegee het en ons ‘n bietjie lyding gespaar het nie? Genade griet. Daar is bietjie potensiaal in die storielyn maar ai, die karakters, die arme karakters. Ek het lanklaas so ‘n groot klomp ongeloofwaardige vrouekarakters in een boek teëgekom. Hulle is so behoeftig vir sy aandag en so tevrede om hom te deel. Ek is jammer maar meeste vrouens waarmee ek al te doene gehad het sou nie net met leepoë deur die gordyne loer, met sy reuk nog aan haar lyf, wetend dat hy alweer besig is met die volgende een en maar net okay wees daarmee nie… Aikôna.

Maak geen fout nie, seks kan en is al op die verleidelikste wyse in Afrikaans geskryf. Die bestes maak egter meer staat op suggestie, amper asof die toneel skaam knipoog maar uitlokkend been wys. As seks op papier begin klink soos die regiseursnotas van n bloumovie dan werk dit nie meer vir my nie.

Boer kry ‘n vrou kon met minder soveel meer gewees het.

Groetnis

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Poerdezmerdez

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Choly Knight

Sew Desu Ne?

hier "blok" ek!

ek "blok" soos ek wil, wanneer ek wil en wat ek wil!

Site Title

Die altyd- onthou oomblikke

Bak Broeis

'n Persoonlike uitdaging om elke week te bak en brou.

Things Medieval

Shedding light on the Dark Ages one post at a time.

Made by Toya

a blog about making things

Poerdezmerdez

Menz. Lag of huil, menz bly menz.

Choly Knight

Sew Desu Ne?

hier "blok" ek!

ek "blok" soos ek wil, wanneer ek wil en wat ek wil!

Site Title

Die altyd- onthou oomblikke