Koeke, terte en persepsies oor seks

Goeiemôre Almal

Ek het hierdie vanoggend raakgelees, dink dis die moeite werd om te deel.

Sex and being Afrikaans – the dangers of teaching girls ‘ordentlikheid’

By: Tillie van Niekerk
23 July 2017
There are real risks involved with shaming instead of celebrating sexuality – and the proof is in the baked goods, says Tillie van Niekerk.

For some reason we (Afrikaners) enjoy comparing women to baked goods. Calling someone a tert (tart) or a koek(prude) both deliver sexual commentary on women’s choices to engage sexually or not.

Girls are labelled a tert or a slet when they don’t behaveordentlik (proper).

Labelling a Christian Afrikaans girl as ordentlik subtly implies she is (or should be) sexually abstinent. An ordentlike Christian Afrikaans girl is not supposed to move in with her boyfriend or have sex before marriage.

I can hear the tannies gossip, “Sjoe, nee ‘n ordentlikemeisie kan mos nie dit doen nie.” (A good and proper girl won’t do that – ‘that’ meaning something ‘tarty’)

And it’s not considered ordentlik to talk about masturbation (nonetheless practice it!) or make dirty jokes.

I seriously spoke about masturbation (or the fact that I do it) for the first time when I was 21. It was to an English friend of mine, who started this conversation by telling me about her dildo.

Raised chaste

Being raised to be a ‘chaste woman’ (in any culture) can not only warp one’s perception of sexuality and sex, but it can even lead one to question one’s own sexual agency.

But here I’m simply writing from my own perspective.

When I was about 10 years old my mom called me one sunny afternoon to come and sit with her on my parents’ bed. I think it was a Saturday and the smell of fresh rusks baking in the oven hung in the air.

More baked goods, I know.

While I plopped down on the bed beside her she took out a sex education/ ‘facts of life’ type book and started reading. I think it went kind of like this: “When two people really love each other…”

A few lines in, the oven’s alarm went off. The rusks were done. And so was the extent of my parental imparted sexual education. Never again did we revisit the book.

Out of curiosity, of course, I took the book to school and showed some friends. We made our own assumptions from what we read and saw, but somehow what we were doing felt naughty.

To me and many of my friends ‘sex’ felt like a bit of a bad word.

For most parents, good Christian Afrikaans parents in my case, it’s always been difficult to talk about sex. They were also brought up in homes where sex was but something to be whispered about.

Even when I was a teenager my father still covered my eyes every time a kissing scene popped up on the TV screen. Not to mention the awkwardness that ensued whenever characters on Dharma and Greg or Will & Gracespoke about the intricacies of sex. Sho! The tension was palpable.

When ordentlikheid leads to risky behaviour

But how can proper behaviour (proper according to the laws of chasteness that is) be risky or dangerous?

For one, I was never taught about sex. As in the logistics thereof. When I put a condom on a guy for the first time I had to tap into my limited knowledge of water balloon making. I was lost.

As much as most parents aim to protect their children, not having knowledge about something like sex does not protect them. It leaves them vulnerable.

When you know nothing about sex you are more likely to be influenced – and especially by sources that aren’t necessarily trustworthy or accurate (school friends, gossip, TV, and the like).

Girls who grow up in very conservative families with values that speak to abstinence are often denied knowledge about sex and their own sexuality for fear of ‘corrupting innocent minds’.

The thinking usually goes like this: If this 16-year-old girl knew how to masturbate and could pinpoint her exact sexual pleasure centres, then…she might lose all self-control and become the biggest tart!

This is so crazy, and yet so ingrained in many people’s thinking.

Worst of all is to have so little trust in women. To me, that’s what it comes down to: an issue of trust. A lack of trust in fact. Trust that if you had said knowledge you are going to go against the church, against the family and screw anything that walks.

This distrust diminishes a woman’s ability to see her own sexual needs – mainly because she was never taught to own them.

To me, having any kind of interest in sex was never celebrated. Instead, it was questioned and shamed. This is how many of my peers feel. And never given access to proudly own or be granted access to primal sexual desires, needs and agency can be very dangerous for women.

When women are not given the knowledge to own their needs and their rights when it comes to sex (whether or not they want to engage in premarital or marital, gay, straight or whichever damn sex they choose) it can play out in various clandestine and unforseen ways.

They are likely to experience sexual relationships or encounters where they are left unsatisfied, afraid to ask for what they want in bed, or even worse – it can leave them open to being abused and coerced into doing acts they might not want to do but feel they have no power to say no to.

Trust women and girls instead of shaming them and dismissing them as baked goods under the guise of ordentlikheid.

From now on, we’re Banting.

 

http://www.w24.co.za/Love/Sex/sex-and-being-afrikaans-the-dangers-of-teaching-girls-ordentlikheid-20170721

 

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Die meisie in die spinnerak

David Lagercrantz is nie Stieg Larsson nie, maar hy is ook nie sleg nie.

Wie is David Lagercrantz en Stieg Larsson? Beide is Sweedse skrywers van misdaadfiksie en beide het bygedra tot die Millenium reeks. Die Millennium reeks het begin as die Millenium-trilogie (“The girl with the dragon tattoo,” “The girl who played with fire,” en “The girl who kicked the hornets’ nest”), geskryf deur Stieg Larsson. Larsson sterf egter aan ‘n hartaanval voor die trilogie gepubliseer kan word. Volgens sy lewensmaat het hy reeds ‘n raamwerk uiteengesit vir die vierde boek maar sy weier om dit met sy uitgewer te deel.

David Lagercrantz word toe genader om die reeks oor te vat en die vierde boek, naamlik “The girl in the spider’s web” word in 2015 gepubliseer. Dieselfde karakters, dieselfde agtergrond en dieselfde storiewêreld. Maar natuurlik met sy eie persoonlike stempel daarop.

In kort fokus die Millennium reeks op die avonture (nie heeltemal die regte woord nie, die Engelse ‘exploits‘ sou beter werk) van twee Swede, Lisbeth Salander en Mikael Blomkwist, asook ‘n verskeidenheid gure en ongure karakters wat hul paaie kruis. Lisbeth het ‘n moeilike kinderlewe gehad en sy werk stadig maar seker aan ‘n vergeldingsplan, gemik op die man wat die wortel van al haar kwaad is. Bygesê, sy verafsku alle mans wat vroue haat en mishandel en sy dink baie kreatiewe maniere uit om hulle te laat boet daarvoor. Mikael Blomkwist is ‘n gerekende joernalis wat nie sukkel om vrouens te verlei nie. Lisbeth en Mikael se paaie kruis wanneer hy haar vaardighede as kuberkraker inspan om ‘n vermiste persoon wat reeds dekades lank vermis word, op te spoor. Wanneer die twee hul uitsonderlike vermoëns om inligting uit te snuffel bymekaarsit, spat die vonke en ontdek hul baie meer as waarop hul gereken het. Deur die loop van die eerste drie boeke beweeg Lisbeth, met die hulp van Mikael en die handjie vol mense wat haar goedgesind is, al nader aan haar einddoel, onortodokse metodes en al.

Vir die grootste deel van die boek het hy hom uiters goed van sy taak gekwyt. Lisbeth was nogsteeds Lisbeth, bedonderd en moeilik, en Mikael was nogsteeds Mikael, ewig opsoek na die storie agter die storie. Maar Lagerkrantz was soms net ‘n bietjie te sag en romanties in vergeleke met die eerste 3 boeke uit Larsson se pen. Die slotparagrawe, waar Lisbeth vir Mikael gaan opsoek was ook heeltemal teen Lisbeth se manier van doen en praat. Ek hou van ‘n happy ending maar daai een val nou nie so lekker op die verbeelding nie. Ook sy gewoonte om hoofstukke af te sluit met ‘n sin of twee wat soos goedkoop ‘click-bait‘ lees het my nie aangestaan nie. (Click-bait is ‘n verskynsel wat deesdae orals op-pop, veral op sosiale media en nuuswebwerwe, waar die opskrif so geskryf word dat dit absoluut niks weggee van die artikel nie en jou dus dwing om op die skakel te kliek as jy meer wil weet. Meeste van die tyd is dit dan ‘n niksseggende artikel wat eintlik nie eens internetspasie werd is nie.)

Die storielyn was ‘n behoorlike wilde rit gewees, vol verrassings en eintlik heel bevredigend. Sommige goedjies was dalk net bietjie te gerieflik ter wille van die storie (byvoorbeeld die outistiese seun se wye verskeidenheid talente) maar ons sal nou nie hare kloof daaroor nie, enige iets is immers moontlik.

Sommige bronne beskryf die boek as “fan-fiction” (fiksie gegrond op die karakters maar geskryf deur ‘n aanhanger) en dalk moet ‘n mens dit in daardie lig sien. Dit kan ook wees dat sekere nuanses verander het met die vertaling van die oorspronklike Sweeds na Engels. Lagercrantz het my oortuig en ek is tevrede maar ek het so ‘n klein bietjie meer verwag wat die konstantheid van die karakters betref. Ja, daar was karakter-groei gewees en ek misken dit nie maar ‘n jakkals verander van haar maar nie van snaar nie.

All-in-all bly die Millennium-reeks misdaadfiksie wat die moeite werd is om te lees en jouself in te verloor. “The girl in the spider’s web” doen nie afbreek aan die reeks nie, kom ons hoop daar is ‘n vyfde boek oppad.

My liewe tyd

Ek is in my derde week terug by die werk. Vanaf ek hier ingestap het was dit nog net een malle rondhollery maar ek hanteer dit. Die Kleinman groei ‘n barshou, raak by die dag ouliker en floreer by die creche. Manlief het sy eerste oesseisoen by die nuwe werk oorleef en alhoewel daar maar baie uitdagings is lyk dit darem of die skuif ‘n goeie ding was.

Maar ek, ek kry nie veel tyd vir myself nie. (Ek kla nie, julle sal nou sien.) Tussen my mamma-dinge en my vroulief-dinge is daar saans nie tyd vir die dinge waarvoor ek so lief is nie: ‘n storieboek, ‘n stukkie hekelwerk, ‘n bietjie naaldwerk. Alles het agterwee gebly.

Maar alles is darem nie verlore nie (en dis nou hoekom ek sê ek kla nie): my teetye en middagetes by die werk span ek nou maar in vir my-tyd. ‘n Halfuur se boeklees deur die loop van die dag doen wondere en mens kan nogal ‘n hele paar steke hekel in ‘n halfuur se tyd. Ongelukkig is dit nou nie prakties om my naaldwerkmasjien saam te sleep werk toe nie…

‘n Week se middagetes en halfure was dus ‘n aanvaarbare prys om te betaal om die vierde boek in die Millennium reeks van Stieg Larsson te kon deurlees. Volgende aan die beurt is ‘n breipatroon vir ‘n pullover vir die Kleinman en ‘n hekelpatroon vir hom vir ‘n groter mussie (want die weer hier by ons hou nie altyd by die seisoene nie). Hulle sê mos ‘n boer (of in die geval ‘n boervrou) maak ‘n plan…

Groetnis

11 weke al?

Ek het skandalig lanklaas iets op my blog geskryf, ek weet, ek weet… 

Maar ek het darem n goeie verskoning: Vandag, 11 weke gelede, het ek geboorte geskenk aan die mooiste, dierbaarste seuntjie. ‘n Liefdevolle bondeltjie van 3.03kg, 51cm lank, wat binne oomblikke, sonder om te blik of bloos, my en Manlief se lewens gevul het met ‘n heel nuwe doel en betekenis.
Vandag is ons seuntjie al ‘n volle 11 weke oud en by verre die pragtigste dingetjie wat sy mamma al ooit gesien het. Die laaste week of twee glimlag hy so af en toe vir ons en maak die mooiste geluidjies as ons met hom gesels! Oo, ek kan liries raak oor die kind van my…

Ag, ek wou net bietjie brag…

Vanoggend lê hy langs my in die bed en slaap, op die naat van sy ruggie, arms uitgestrek, salig. Ek ht langs hom ingesluimer en toe ek wakkerskrik kyk ek vas in twee groot blou ogies wat staar na my. Toe hy besef ek is wakker gee hy my die mooiste grootste glimlag wat ek nog gesien het! Ag jinne moeder, wat ‘n seëning is hy nie…

Groetnis

Things Medieval

Shedding light on the Dark Ages one post at a time.

Made by Toya

a blog about making things

Poerdezmerdez

Menz. Lag of huil, menz bly menz.

Choly Knight

Sew Desu Ne?

hier "blok" ek!

ek "blok" soos ek wil, wanneer ek wil en wat ek wil!

Site Title

Die altyd- onthou oomblikke

witvosblog

Die with memories, not with dreams

padvoldorings

Skrabbels langs die pad

Things Medieval

Shedding light on the Dark Ages one post at a time.

Made by Toya

a blog about making things

Poerdezmerdez

Menz. Lag of huil, menz bly menz.

Choly Knight

Sew Desu Ne?

hier "blok" ek!

ek "blok" soos ek wil, wanneer ek wil en wat ek wil!

Site Title

Die altyd- onthou oomblikke

witvosblog

Die with memories, not with dreams

padvoldorings

Skrabbels langs die pad